I realize that I haven’t been the greatest at keeping this blog updated. I’m now running two blogs (one for creative endeavors and this, more personal, blog). How I ever thought I would keep two blogs in constant content is beyond me. The separation feels necessary though.
University of Colorado has responded to my interview. I’m in the candidate pool. It came as a shock and a relief. Maybe my streak of “bad karma” has ended and I can continue my pursuits in peace. Nonetheless, I have to now pursue employment with BVSD in order to take advantage of the Master’s Degree that I feel drawn to. Part of me was almost shocked to inaction because I was under the impression that this interview would grant me a position with BVSD.
The opportunity to possibly teach in Boulder, my personal Mecca, my dream living arrangement… has left me more exposed that I have allowed myself to be in a long time. I don’t take failure well. A few years ago, when I tried to get into graduate schools and was very harshly rejected by all six that I had applied to… that was the last straw for me. My academics have always been my one strong point. I was smart. I could put my head through a windshield in a car wreck, be riddled with migraines, doctor appointments, pain medications, and cracked skull restrictions and still make A’s and B’s. If my academics weren’t good enough for graduate school, I had nothing else to offer the world.
The possibility of taking a backpacking trip this month is eating me alive. I want to venture to see A in Europe but I also want the quiet, personal fortitude it takes to walk with your belongings on your back. I would be able to do both but my patience (as always) is a bit sparse. I want to do both right now. Being centered is extremely important but being loved seems to rise above it all. If offered the chance to do both, I could easily find a way to work with it.
I ran my farthest jaunt thus far last week. I went three miles on the treadmill. It made sense at the time. I need to learn how to focus away from myself and create quiet. It seems my mind doesn’t know how to be still these days. Even as I’m trying to focus on yoga, my mind speeds on with its own agenda.
We all falter. Its the strong who learn to use the wind to hold them up instead of blowing them down.