I grew up in a strange household.  We believed in the supernatural but not in the manner that most people would think after hearing me say that.  My grandmother talks to pictures and believes she can hear what the person would tell her.  She has conversations with God and dead relatives.  We all believe that the dogs talk to us.  I talk to articles that have been left behind by people who no longer speak to me for one reason or another.  I talk to my computer when its acting up, my Brown Pillow when my heart is broken, and my reflection in the mirror.

More often than any of this my entire family talks to stars.  In my eight-year-old mind, it made sense that my mother could hear me through the stars.  There were, afterall, up there with her.  You could find me in the backyard, on a swing, chatting away to the sky.  As an adult, I realize that stars have no more power than sending light millions of lightyears away.  They’re not portals or transmitters.  They’re simply light.  I keep talking though.  Car windows down, speedometer tapping 80 mph, my mind racing to relieve itself of the thoughts that bounce around incessantly.

Today I’m fighting the urge to go home and curl up until this whole ordeal is over.  I understand that nothing worth having comes easily.  I’m well aware of that.  It seems like my conversations with stars over the past month bring me to tears every time.  I don’t think I’ve wanted something this badly in a very long time.

I woke up this morning with my dog laying across my leg.  I pulled my Brown Pillow deep into my chest and whispered to my mother’s corner my hopes and fears about this whole ordeal.  It felt… right.  Things felt okay.  I was heard by something, even if it was stuffing in a 30 year old pillow.

I realize that I haven’t been the greatest at keeping this blog updated.  I’m now running two blogs (one for creative endeavors and this, more personal, blog).  How I ever thought I would keep two blogs in constant content is beyond me.  The separation feels necessary though.

University of Colorado has responded to my interview.  I’m in the candidate pool.  It came as a shock and a relief.  Maybe my streak of “bad karma” has ended and I can continue my pursuits in peace.  Nonetheless, I have to now pursue employment with BVSD in order to take advantage of the Master’s Degree that I feel drawn to.  Part of me was almost shocked to inaction because I was under the impression that this interview would grant me a position with BVSD. 

The opportunity to possibly teach in Boulder, my personal Mecca, my dream living arrangement… has left me more exposed that I have allowed myself to be in a long time.  I don’t take failure well.  A few years ago, when I tried to get into graduate schools and was very harshly rejected by all six that I had applied to… that was the last straw for me.  My academics have always been my one strong point.  I was smart.  I could put my head through a windshield in a car wreck, be riddled with migraines, doctor appointments, pain medications, and cracked skull restrictions and still make A’s and B’s.  If my academics weren’t good enough for graduate school, I had nothing else to offer the world.

The possibility of taking a backpacking trip this month is eating me alive.  I want to venture to see A in Europe but I also want the quiet, personal fortitude it takes to walk with your belongings on your back.  I would be able to do both but my patience (as always) is a bit sparse.  I want to do both right now.  Being centered is extremely important but being loved seems to rise above it all.  If offered the chance to do both, I could easily find a way to work with it.

I ran my farthest jaunt thus far last week.  I went three miles on the treadmill.  It made sense at the time.  I need to learn how to focus away from myself and create quiet.  It seems my mind doesn’t know how to be still these days.  Even as I’m trying to focus on yoga, my mind speeds on with its own agenda.

We all falter.  Its the strong who learn to use the wind to hold them up instead of blowing them down.

April Book Thoughts

Dexter in the Dark

The *WORST* Dexter book.  By a long shot.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

For a “tween” book, it dealt with a lot of situations that I thought were important for kids to experience.  I actually liked the characters in the book a lot more than the movie.  This was honestly one of those rare books where I saw the movie first and STILL thought the book was better.  Bridget didn’t get on my nerves nearly as much and the Bailey situation struck some hearstrings.  It was such a great experience I actually bought the second book.

Dexter by Design

Dexter has been saved!  Well, at least somewhat.  I’m with a few other reviewers where I think that Jeff Lindsey is taking after the TV show instead of keeping to the original Dexter Plan.  The end of the book came out of nowhere and sounded a lot like what was going on in the last season.  Not a complete return from the Depths of Horrible that he had plunged into… but it is at least something of a comeback. 

Inside of a Dog

Finally, a non-fiction pick!  I have been searching for an affordable version of this book and actually picked it up at the library.  As a dog fanatic (ask anyone who knows me), I’m always looking for new information on my favorite animal.  This was such a great look into what we know as scientific facts about how dogs perceive the world.  It also helps with dealing with my fuzzy best buddy.  I highly suggest it.  She makes the information fun and entertaining.  I would suggest it if you’re “into” dogs. 

Bloodsucking Fiends

I had missed Bloodsucking Fiends on accident when I first started reading Christopher Moore.  I have to say that even thought I KNEW where this was going (since I had already read the second book), I had a lot of fun getting caught up to speed.  His writing style is the dry humor that I adore.  I’m looking forward to reading the last installment.  From sneak peek, I see we get to hear more from Abby Normal.  Yay!

Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH

I decided to read a childhood favorite again.  This was one of the ones I remember loving.  Now that I’ve read it as an adult, I really get the full implication of the novel.  What an exciting book.  I remember being very worried about Timmy.  I also remember thinking that it didn’t end the way that I wanted it to.  I remember wondering what happened to the other rat.  I have been trying to revisit a lot of favorites lately and I have been impressed with my overall choices as a kid… this was another one.  I still want !to know what happened to that rat!!