Maybe your attitude is why my pillow smells like her….

Its scary, you know.  As anyone who has been under a doctor’s care for depression can tell you, life is a delicate balance.  Once you tasted the utter chaos that is depression you are very susceptible to become depressed again.  You can feel it gnawing at the edges of your consciousness.  “Yeah, this is great…but what about when it stops being great?”

The whole thing can start with something very simple going wrong.  Instead of that bonus check you were looking forward to so that you can “bounce back” from the recession and have some fun… you get a bill.  The guy/girl you’ve been secretly waiting for the right moment to invite out to the night you have dreamed up is suddenly reeling over another.  An incredibly rough day at work.  A situation you thought was the answer to you prayers turns into a nightmare of miscommunication and stress.  Its sitting there, waiting for that moment to slide in and wiggle around a bit.

Before the end of it all you’re curled in a ball with your dear friend wallowing in the mud pit of your inadequacies, transgressions, victimization, and woes.

I know how deep into depression I can go.   I know what it feels like there.  I know the absolute lack of hope makes breathing hard, so hard I have to concentrate to make sure that I take each breath in and let each breath go.  The sheer effort of clinging to the little I have takes everything I’ve got, leaving me exhausted to the point I can’t leave where I am laying.  The voice in my head… the voice of my own thoughts that jabbers CONSTANTLY about everything…is deafeningly silent.

That place is honestly the last place I want to be.  Of course, that overwhelming resistance to go down that far keeps me from doing a lot of things other people find so easy.  Putting myself out there, putting my heart out there, even something as simple as trying for a job I’m 100% excited about.  When things don’t go well, I can feel the tug of that path pulling me down to my dear old friend.

Texas makes things easier.  I don’t have a bad day at work and then run into people who have helped me attribute to one of my many issues.  I’m not stuck to the same places I’ve seen practically daily for thirteen years.  The reminders are left to little things around my apartment that can be easily put in a drawer or smashed against a wall.  Or, more simply, put next to the dumpster for someone else to take in and make their own memories with.

It has its own unique challenges.  I see myself facing one right now.  I can hear my friend calling out his invitations to come for a visit.  I’m thinking I might take the plunge and tell  him I’ll see him if I see him.  My hope is, I don’t.

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2 responses to “Maybe your attitude is why my pillow smells like her….

  1. You know that poster with the little cat hanging on the tree branch that says “hang in there”…well, do just that. Wish I could pop over with margaritas or better yet, crack cookies and make it all go away. Next time I come to visit, we’ll have a cheesy girly movie night with crack cookies, just like old times, only MUCH better.

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