Maybe your attitude is why my pillow smells like her….

Its scary, you know.  As anyone who has been under a doctor’s care for depression can tell you, life is a delicate balance.  Once you tasted the utter chaos that is depression you are very susceptible to become depressed again.  You can feel it gnawing at the edges of your consciousness.  “Yeah, this is great…but what about when it stops being great?”

The whole thing can start with something very simple going wrong.  Instead of that bonus check you were looking forward to so that you can “bounce back” from the recession and have some fun… you get a bill.  The guy/girl you’ve been secretly waiting for the right moment to invite out to the night you have dreamed up is suddenly reeling over another.  An incredibly rough day at work.  A situation you thought was the answer to you prayers turns into a nightmare of miscommunication and stress.  Its sitting there, waiting for that moment to slide in and wiggle around a bit.

Before the end of it all you’re curled in a ball with your dear friend wallowing in the mud pit of your inadequacies, transgressions, victimization, and woes.

I know how deep into depression I can go.   I know what it feels like there.  I know the absolute lack of hope makes breathing hard, so hard I have to concentrate to make sure that I take each breath in and let each breath go.  The sheer effort of clinging to the little I have takes everything I’ve got, leaving me exhausted to the point I can’t leave where I am laying.  The voice in my head… the voice of my own thoughts that jabbers CONSTANTLY about everything…is deafeningly silent.

That place is honestly the last place I want to be.  Of course, that overwhelming resistance to go down that far keeps me from doing a lot of things other people find so easy.  Putting myself out there, putting my heart out there, even something as simple as trying for a job I’m 100% excited about.  When things don’t go well, I can feel the tug of that path pulling me down to my dear old friend.

Texas makes things easier.  I don’t have a bad day at work and then run into people who have helped me attribute to one of my many issues.  I’m not stuck to the same places I’ve seen practically daily for thirteen years.  The reminders are left to little things around my apartment that can be easily put in a drawer or smashed against a wall.  Or, more simply, put next to the dumpster for someone else to take in and make their own memories with.

It has its own unique challenges.  I see myself facing one right now.  I can hear my friend calling out his invitations to come for a visit.  I’m thinking I might take the plunge and tell  him I’ll see him if I see him.  My hope is, I don’t.

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You and I, we might be strangers…However close we get sometimes…

My leg smells like putrid milk, my hands are dry and cracking from bathroom cleaner, there is something extremely nasty on the front of my shirt… and my hair has “product” that I didn’t put in it…

…But…

…The house is *finally* clean.  I’ve been cleaning since around four this afternoon (it is now 7:28 PM) and have most of it dealt with in one way or another.  I still have a Salad Shooter I need to get rid of and Lucky’s toy basket is full of half eaten squirrels and rubber chickens.  I guess, in a way, there’s always work to do.  At least that frees up most of this weekend to go to Girl’s Night Out and possibly meet up with Mrs. F.  And get my car cleaned since it now has an aftermarket shag carpet.

My grandmother called a little while ago and asked if I would sign her up for Facebook.  She has two cousins on it that she wants to keep in touch with.  I kind of enjoy the fact that I can have a little bit of space between us, finally.  I really didn’t want to close up that physical space with being virtually close.  Plus, the woman calls me almost daily to find out how to forward emails or which program *IS* her email… I don’t want to even begin to explain Facebook to her.  Besides, Facebook is not for 90 year old women.  Its in the Terms & Agreements that no one old enough to remember the Great Depression is allowed to even know the site exists. 

This video makes me feel incredibly normal.  I had to share.  There’s nothing like a Storm Trooper as a background dancer to make your night better.

Albert comes to Texas to visit in eleven days.  My boss still hasn’t approved my time off.  I asked a month and a half ago.  I have a feeling I’m just going to have to tell her when I’ll be there and when I won’t. 

Anyway.  I’m off to read my book for a while.  The zombies and chivalry await.

You’re low down and dirty, and I love the way you do…If I stay i’ll never find my way back home…

In response to the strong urgings of a few people, I picked up the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris.  The books are as good as any novice writer’s series… they’re full of fresh wit and continuity errors.  But… for someone who is looking for a mindless fun read–they’re perfect.

As for the HBO series “True Blood,” its almost like you’re watching someone pervert your favorite Sesame Street characters.  They sound a lot like what you expect them to and they do the same things… but its all wrong.  I finished season one this week and honestly have no intention of watching season 2.

They introduced a “child” of Bill that doesn’t exist in the series.  If she was to be a plot vehicle to something that happens later, I can understand.  She has no point.  Unless you completely change the basis of the “great betrayal,” she has no point!  Comic relief?  She’s not funny!  Add in that she is the most annoying individual to grace the TV screen in several years… She came into Bill’s house on the last episode and I almost threw things at my beloved TV.  I don’t know how the writer did it, but he ruined the whole season with one red-headed annoying chick.

The preparations for the fall semester are underway at the (former) Tarleton Central Texas campus.  Our first SGA meeting was last week, which I missed because I was talking to someone about my Graduate Assistantship.  The G.A. qualifies me for in-state tuition, which is a blessing all by itself.

I’m learning lessons as things come along.  As I was removing the tags on pictures of me from people that I don’t care to acknowledge anymore, I realized I had the hardest time in two very important aspects of life.  (1) I don’t let things go and (2) I push too hard.

They’re both wrapped up in the one thing I need to try more and more to do (excuse the horrible phrasing):  Chill out.  I love to force things to work.  Then, when its not what I want or expected, I get pissed off.  I don’t forget anything when I’m mad.  I’ll remember what you did to make me mad for years.  It doesn’t mean that I will STILL be mad years down the road… it just means that I’ll remember I got pissed off at you for [breaking the bowl I ate out of as a child, telling me I look funny, calling me names, tripping my grandmother, shitting in my shower, throwing books at me, selling me a house that was basically falling apart] and either think its funny or well-founded.

Life seems like it would be so much simpler if I could just… let things happen as they may.  Maybe I get the G.A., maybe I don’t.  Either way, I know I’m going to school.  Maybe I’ll find a job actually DOING something, maybe I won’t.  The paychecks are still coming from the desk I’m sitting in.  Maybe there will be an amazing amount of chemistry when we meet, maybe there won’t be.  Maybe I’ll find a way to take all the trips I want to, maybe I won’t.  Either way, it has been absolutely amazing so far.

And some lady just walked by my window wearing a bright orange shirt with a black jack o’lantern face on it.  Is it October?  Did I just fall asleep at my desk for a few months?

I’m off to buy a bottle of wine and a pizza so I can spend my Friday night the way it should be spent:  staring at a cute boy and eating food that will make me fat.

She said “I’m looking for things I’ll never see…Release me”….

I probably COULD go out and help them at the front desk.  I couldn’t actually do anything online for them or really do anything but “bitch work.”  I really could help.  I’m extremely capable with a copy machine and I’m honestly not doing anything back here at my desk besides shopping on Etsy and wondering why the hell Michael Jackson and Eric Church are the only two things my iPod wants to play on shuffle.  At the essential base of it all, I *COULD* help.

But I won’t.  And they know it.

Jessica came and went this weekend.  We had such a great time in San Antonio and Austin (and Gruene!)… it was really hard to see it all come to an end.  We spent two and a half days walking around in Texas’s blistering summer heat enjoying a culture that can only exist right here in central Texas.

We did a Segway tour first thing Saturday morning.  I have to admit, it was what I was the most excited about out of all of my plans.  Our tour guide was a little quirky (“I’m keeping things PG-13!” when asked about his interests.  Seriously, dude… are you into 70’s food fetish porn?  Brown chicken, brown cow!) but extremely knowledgeable in all things historical about San Antonio.  We did 13 mph through the King William district, bounced around on some stone streets, attempted to balance while photographing huge buildings… it was incredible.

We ventured through a huge junk shop on SoCo that was filled with oddities and old pictures.  It was actually large enough that you are overwhelmed with the sheer amount of random crap people can collect.  I want to run down this weekend and try to find some little things for my next art projects.

School will be starting in just about three weeks.  The nervousness surrounding having to deal with technical schooling with an artistic mind has almost completely dissipated.  My plan is to balance the math/technology based thinking with learning some new things artistically.  I’ve emailed the local community college to try to get into their evening photography class.  I’ve found some local classes on throwing pottery.  There are dancing classes, drawing classes…. and I might even try to find someone to teach me how to play a few new instruments like the violin or banjo.  Either way, my aim is to keep both sides of my head working.

Albert will be here the day after my class orientation.  In true form, my boss has yet to give me a “yes” or “no” on my proposed schedule for the two weeks he’s here.  Part of me really considers doing what she does and just no show up.  I’m sure that would get me in a lot of trouble, but she wouldn’t be here to find out since she… you know…never shows up.

Another one of my friends is leaving this week to go on their last little round of leave before they go to Germany.  Between my visitors and hers, we haven’t had much time to get together.  With her departure and then Albert’s to go back to work, I will essentially be back to square one here in Texas.  Hopefully school will afford me the pleasure of meeting some like-minded individuals.

Visiting Austin and being able to immerse myself into the culture down there really makes me want to move there.  Not actually *IN* Austin since I can’t stand large crowds or traffic, but I would like to live somewhere on the outskirts.  I had hopes to possibly transfer down there within the same department I’m in, but since I’m going on four months working and not being trained… I doubt I’m transferrable.  Sucks, doesn’t it?

Well, I’m off to find something to eat.  I hope you are all having a beautiful summer so far.