Valentine’s Day… in Borders

Happy Valentine’s Day, guys! I hope your day has gone much better than mine.

As it has always been since the beginning, my life tends to pick one particular day and simply dump it’s entire bedpan on my head. I’ve kind of been waiting for it and hoping those days have passed by. I think with a more “karmic” thought base now. I try to do what I’m supposed to and say what I think and feel… live honestly.

My family in Texas is going through an extremely hard time. My “aunt,” for lack of a better way to describe her connection to me, hasn’t been given much longer to live. She has degenerated from a bright, vibrant grandmother who doesn’t stop chasing and loving her small grandson to having to be carried to the chair and bathroom. The cancer that they thought they could easily have beaten with chemotherapy and a strong will to survive has indeed won this battle. She hasn’t been strong enough for chemo since before Thanksgiving and it hasn’t left much of her for the family to say good-bye to.

Luckily, this news comes after I had already planned a Texas trip for this weekend. Instead of spending Saturday roaming and loving the Texas life, I’ll be facing one of my worst fears.

My school let me know (today, of all days) that I’m not guaranteed a job for next year, contrary to what they have been telling me since November. They wanted me to know “in time to search for new positions.” So, of course, I had to write groveling emails to the school districts I turned down begging to be looked at a second time in case of openings. The security I had felt a month or two ago, planning my second year at East and hoping for new training and positions has gone up in a lovely puff of smoke.

And, of course, I’m sitting at a Borders, alone, on Valentine’s Day. Some lessons are harder to learn than others. I promised myself to keep one main thing in mind this year and it just seems to be harder to remember today: If he wants to, he will. If he wanted to call, he would have. If he wanted to see you, he would have. Nothing in the world can stop someone from doing something they want to do. My guy is still out there somewhere cussing me out. Trust me, he’s getting a good working over in my mind too. Then again, maybe he’s out getting his heart broken tonight.

And I know, Jeff. I’m whining.